Sunday, September 30, 2007

these will be deleted. i am trying to change my profile picture. we will see if it works...otherwise, it just looks narcisistic.

sigh...sort of

So the LSAT went better than I expected it to, especially considering I got almost no sleep the night before and was struggling with a cold and blowing my nose all throughout the test. It's out of my hands now--I should find out about my score in about 3 weeks. I feel at peace about it. I am so grateful for all of you who prayed for me, thought of me, or just generally were wonderful in the weeks and days leading up to the LSAT. I was so uplifted and encouraged by you, and feel truly blessed.

However, my body decided that since I no longer had the stress of the upcoming LSAT, it would abandon health for the time being. I have a cold or something--sore throat, I sound like a man, my head's all stuffy and my throat try, and worst of all, my head feels like it is seriously going to EXPLODE at any moment. Any home remedies, anyone??

I'm going to go sit over a steaming pot with a towel over my head now.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

there's a light (what light?)

I realize that Wilco did not include the question mark, but to me it feels like it should be there today.

I love bikers. Cyclists, I mean. Every afternoon when I step out of ICS at 5pm and into the rush hour madness of public transit, I have the privilege of watching all the cyclists on College Street. I admire cyclists in Toronto. I am too fearful to join them, particularly because I have seen too many of them nearly get smushed by a cab or a thoughtless driver, or even by a self-centered pedestrian who steps out into the bike lane in front of them. But there is something wonderfully, beautifully subversive about the many, many cyclists who whiz past me as I walk to the subway.

Today I am stuck on a question that plagues me on a regular basis: will I ever NOT be crazy insanely committed to too many worthy activities? Before November 1, I must write the LSAT, apply to law schools, catch up on all the reading I'm missing to study for said LSAT, catch up on my independent study reading, re-write a paper so that a poor grade on my transcript can maybe be raised, start leading a women's group, ... And that isn't meant as self-pity, and I don't want anyone's sympathy, because I committed to all these things. I said yes to them. And they are all wonderful things to be involved in. And I actually thought that I was going to AVOID this kind of craziness this semester by being wary of commitment. I guess not. But feeling this overwhelmed, trying to anticipate a time sometime in the future when I might have time to relax for a few hours, often makes me think about the rest of my life. Will I perpetually over-commit? What will it take for me to stop leading an over-committed life? Or is that just the way life is these days? Sometimes I think it will be better when I have a job (and am not a student), or when/if I'm married, or when/if I have kids.... but I know that's not necessarily true. One of those life questions for me, I guess.

Yesterday I cut my finger on a rusty nail sticking out of the underside of my kitchen table, and yelled out loud (I was alone in my apartment). I promptly burst into tears. I know that "burst into tears" is an expression that perhaps has lost its meaning, but it really describes what happened to me--and it did feel like it happened TO me--because it was totally unexpected and unpremeditated. It was like a reflex; it was automatic. It was strange. And very cathartic.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

what was I thinking?

In ten days I will take what is probably the biggest, most important test I will ever take in my life.

I hope it doesn't beat me.

I apologize in advance for the lack of contact that has been and will remain the case for the next ten days. Studying for the LSAT constantly in addition to taking classes, reading for said classes, interning at the U of T campus ministry, mentoring, leading a "20's/30's/young adults/singles and couples" group at church, and trying to maintain a social life here means that e-mails get mysteriously little time.