Monday, July 31, 2006

Growing up...a failure?

I feel as though I have to make so many decisions in the coming month, and I don't like it. I've come to discover new things about myself--for example, that I am petrified of making bad decisions.

I bought a laptop yesterday. I apologize to all of you hard core computer-literate people out there who will be woefully disappointed in me: I bought a Dell. Yes, I wanted a Mac too, but they were too much money, and also, too much computer for me. I wouldn't now how to use the thing, and I would feel all the time like I should be doing more and cooler things with it, like I wasn't worthy of its potential, its audio-visual editing capacity and things like that...and I'll just be writing papers, come on. I can get a Mac later if I really want one, ok???

The reason I'm defending myself so vehemently is that I'm terrified of making bad decisions. For the first time in my life I think I had a panic attack last night. Over the decision to buy a Dell. I freaked out, hyperventilating in bed, because I thought about how maybe I should have bought a Mac, they're far superior, after all, as my brother-in-law always tells me, and what if I get a virus and what if I regret not getting the Mac and what if I wish I had the free iPod (that comes with a macbook) and what if what if what if????? If you've never had a panic attack, I don't recommend it. It was frightening to feel so irrational but not be able to talk myself out of the irrationality.

For this reason and many others, I'm glad I'll be living in my aunt and uncle's basement. They're rational. I could go up there and freak out with them and they'd just have to look at me and I'm sure I'd calm down. Or at least they could help me breathe.

Please don't be disappointed in me.

Perhaps it's not the fear of making a bad decision. Perhaps I'm more afraid of disappointing family and friends.

6 Comments:

At Monday, July 31, 2006 11:34:00 PM, Blogger Kunnari said...

what the dell!!! hey at least you have a computer. and your smart and beautiful and have a place to live and have short hair so things are good.

 
At Tuesday, August 01, 2006 12:06:00 AM, Blogger ann renee. said...

don't worry. a computer is a computer as far as I'm concerned. It has a word processer. That's all you need. Everything else is extra:)
I'm home SATURDAY AT MIDNIGHT! WAHOO!!!
GUESS WHAT?? Remember the green dress I tried on at American Apparel when we wandered down town T-dot (the one that made me lose my eyebrow piercing)? Well, I got it. Sweat-shop free and high quality.
Guess what else? I have an apartment! All hardwood floors, a balconey, and a room mate who loves writing. A dream come true. Now you have to come and visit for a glass of homemade wine.
Oh Sara, so much to discuss when I get home.
Guess what else? I love Colossians Remixed. A lot.
Bedtime.

 
At Tuesday, August 01, 2006 3:59:00 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

I echo your post. Good luck in life.

 
At Wednesday, August 02, 2006 11:13:00 AM, Blogger Carolyn said...

I have the same issues as you I think. My number one stress cause is from the fail of failure and dissapointment. Maybe it's in our genes...and yes, atleast you have a computer...

 
At Wednesday, August 02, 2006 12:45:00 PM, Blogger stephanie said...

Hi Sara -- I too just bought a laptop (I remember we were talking about this at Beth and Paul's on Canada Day) and I was going to buy a Mac.. and I ended up buying a Dell! So I am right with you there :) Of course it's just to tie me over while I'm in LA, but I still went with the Dell. It's a big decision though --- I definately freaked out a little when I hit the button that said "Purchase" (doing it online is even freakier!! You don't have physical evidence of what you're buying!)...
take care and maybe I'll see you again sometime :)
Steph

 
At Thursday, August 03, 2006 10:52:00 AM, Blogger flurp-boink said...

I have a dell, it hasn't treated me too badly so far. Everyone's concerned to some extent about how their decisions will turn out, the cool thing is we believe in an uber God who works through the crappy decisions we make too!
That doesn't make deciding on the decisions a whole lot easier though. Remember my pleas for a divine post-it note? Hasn't changed.
oh, and we should totally talk on the phone when we get a chance.

 

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