contemplations & considerations

Changes come in twos and threes

2009-02-27T19:09:00.003-05:00

We're married!!

On December 20, 2009, I married the one I love. And married life is lovely.

Since some of you asked, here are some pictures.

Going to the chapel....

2008-12-02T16:55:00.002-05:00

...And we're gonna get maaaaarried!

It's 18 days away!

Preparations are going well--for marriage and for the day of.

Lots of details I never imagined to be important are suddenly quite pressing.

But with the help of Justin, family, friends, and of course, Excel spreadsheets, I feel somewhat calm and excited rather than anxious and frazzled.

Let's hope it continues!

In other news, I'm aaaaalllllmost done my thesis. As in, I think I'm going to submit the FINAL FINAL draft tomorrow evening. Hooray!!! I'll have to defend it in February.

from the mouths of construction workers

2008-09-04T13:29:00.002-04:00

A sign spotted yesterday at a construction site at the University of Toronto

from the world of the thesis

2008-07-30T12:28:00.002-04:00

I've been doing much reading lately in order to get some grasp on what I am going to start writing my thesis on. Rather, to get background and material from which to spring. Here's something I read in Wendell Berry's "The Unsettling of America" that I found quite interesting (I found the entire book quite interesting, of course--but this particularly caught my eye after having lived in a conservative-Iowa-farming community for four years):

"The curious thing is that many agriculture specialists and "agri-businessmen" see themselves as conservatives. They look with contempt upon governmental "indulgence" of those who have no more "moral fiber" than to accept "handouts" from the public treasury--but they look with equal contempt upon the most traditional and appropriate means of [agricultural] independence. What do such conservatives wish to conserve? Evidently nothing less than the great corporate blocks of wealth and power, in whose every interest is implied the moral degeneracy and economic dependence of the people. They not esteem the possibility of a prospering, independent class of small owners [farmers] because they are, in fact, not conservatives at all, but the most doctrinaire and disruptive of revolutionaries."

On a different note, a paragraph on love from Madeleine L'Engle's journal-like book "Two-Part Invention," in which she is recollecting the early years of her marriage:

"I wrote in my journal how much I missed him, adding: ‘But the wonderful thing, whether we are together or apart, is to know that he is in the world, and that we belong together. And what I must learn is to love with all of me, giving all of me, and yet to remain whole in myself. Any other kind of love is too demanding of the other; it takes, rather than gives. To love so completely that you lose yourself in another person is not good. You are giving a weight, not the sense of lightness and light that loving someone should give. To love wholly, generously, and yet retain the core that makes you you."

If anyone is looking for a good read, do pick up some Madeleine L'Engle. Every single book of hers that I have read has impacted me and taught me about life and faith. Her novels are particularly fabulous...

Oh, and in response to a question in the last post: Justin and I will wed, Lord willing, on Decembber 20 in St. Catharines!

going to the chapel

2008-07-21T21:21:00.002-04:00

...and we're gonna get ma-a-a-rried!

Justin and I are engaged! Most of you reading this probably know that, but I thought, hey, it seemed odd not to post about it. We're so excited, and are busily planning for the wedding and for our lives together, when I'm not writing my thesis and when he's not in M.Ed. classes.

If you're still reading this, comment. Otherwise, I just might give up bloggin! I'm finding it harder and harder to know what to write on here...

news from the front

2008-05-27T15:25:00.002-04:00

I'm deferring law school. For at least a year. Maybe forever. Lots of reasons for this change. Too many to list here! Ask me if you're interested.

Instead...I'm working part-time at the U of T campus ministry again next year!! I'm thrilled about this. I feel alive there. I know I can serve there.

Here are some wise words from Parker Palmer that I've been contemplating recently...

Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks--we will also find our path of authentic service in the world. True vocation joins self and service, as Frederick Buechner asserts when he defines vocation as "the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need."

Buechner's definition starts with the self and moves toward the needs of the world: it begins, wisely, where vocation begins -- not in what the world needs (which is everything), but in the nature of the human self, in what brings the self joy, the deep joy of knowing that we are here on earth to be the gifts that God created.

Contrary to the conventions of our thinly moralistic culture, this emphasis on gladness and selfhood is not selfish. The Quaker teacher Douglas Steere was fond of saying that the ancient human question "Who am I?" leads inevitably to the equally important question, "Whose am I?" -- for there is no selfhood outside relationship. We must ask the question of selfhood and answer it as honestly as we can, no matter where it takes us. Only as we do so can we discover the community of our lives.

As I learn more about the seed of true self that was planted when I was born, I also learn more about the ecosystem in which I was planted -- the network of communal relations in which I am called to live responsively, accountably, and joyfully with beings of every sort. Only when I know both seed and system, self and community, can I embody the great commandment to love both my neighbour and myself."

May flowers

2008-05-07T13:43:00.002-04:00

I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say... but do feel obligated to update at least once a month! (In case anyone is still reading....)

I'm now in the thick of thesis work. I've yet to finish a course paper and an independent study, so my time is divided three ways (course paper, thesis, independent study) at this point. However, most of my day involves reading--for all three things. Some of the topics overlap, which is convenient, and also makes life more coherent!

I'm loving our new house--'our' being Ann, myself, and Rocky, a co-worker of Ann's who has moved into the third bedroom. It's great to have more space, and some personal space, and I'm still unpacking (books!) and rearranging how I want my room to be set up.

Things are still going wonderfully in the relationship department... Wonderfully. We celebrated 6 months on Friday, with an amazing (and, all a surprise to me) evening in the Distillery District of Toronto--dinner at a fabulous local restaurant, at which I had the tastiest chicken EVER (and it was free-range!), and out to the Soul Pepper theatre to see the Neil Simon play, "The Odd Couple"--wow. The acting was amazing, and the script was hilarious. And, Justin gave me roses... A perfect night, basically. Except it was pouring rain when we got out of the theatre. But hey, it didn't dampen our spirits at all! :)

This weekend is crazy with ICS stuff, and next weekend I'm going to Grand Rapids and Chicago (to see Justin's brother graduate from Calvin Sem and to see my sister and brother-in-law in Chicago). I'm trying to get TONS accomplished during the week so that I can feel guilt-free relaxing on the weekend!

April life

2008-04-09T22:49:00.002-04:00

Well, much has happened in the past few weeks.

-I flew to Edmonton and drove to the Vancouver area with Justin, spending time with each of our families and enjoying the marvelousness of the mountains...

-I moved! Ann and I moved out of our small basement abode and into....yes, an actual HOUSE! Three bedrooms to be exact. We're still awaiting a third housemate. But it's great so far--the extra space and personal space is welcome (though we were fine before), especially since Ann now has room for a keyboard and her wine-making stuff...and I have more room for all of my books (I didn't realize how many I'd accumulated in the past 18 months until I had to pack and move them all)!

-We have furry friends who decided to share our new abode with us. Ugh. We've trapped 5 so far.

-I changed the direction of my thesis project, and am now more excited about it! It's going to be a crazy mad race to the finish, because I want to be done by August, but I'm more optimistic that it can indeed be done. Hooray!

-I am wrapping up my leadership involvement in campus ministry at U of T. It's a sad, but necessary, departure. Perhaps I'll be able to stay in touch while I'm at York, but we'll have to see.

-I decided to go to Osgoode Hall law school at York U! Did I mention that last time? I start in September. Crazy.

Life is good.
God is faithful.
Love is a blessing.

update....if anyone is still reading

2008-02-18T12:45:00.002-05:00

Strange. This time last year I was blogging like mad. Now I don't seem to make time for it anymore.

I blame Facebook.

Anyway, a brief life-update:

I'm in my last semester of classes at ICS, hoping to start, finish, and defend my MA thesis by August (keep your fingers crossed!!) I've been accepted at one law school so far, and haven't heard from any others (yay or nay), so this one is looking good (especially since they've offered me a bit of money, too). I'm moving with my roommate Ann into a three bedroom HOUSE, complete with organic backyard garden, that's half way between York and downtown--perfect if I'd go to York (Osgoode law school) next year--though we still need a third roommate for April to August (anyone want to live in Toronto this summer??) I'm still dating a wonderful guy, and he has been a huge blessing in my life. Still interning at the U of T CRC campus ministry, and loving it, though the time requirements are more and more eating into my school stuff--which has to change soon if the aforementioned thesis is to get completed!

Hmmm...anything else?? These are the basics, I suppose.

Now, I need to study!

shock and awe

2007-12-18T14:29:00.000-05:00

That's what I felt when I opened my e-mail after the ICS Christmas party on Friday night. Shock and awe.

I received an e-mail from York University (Osgoode Hall law school) informing me that I have been accepted there to start law school in the fall of 2008.

CRAZY! I wasn't supposed to find out until February. And York is in Toronto. Which I like. But, since I've also been considering other endeavours for next year, this complicates things. But it is also amazing and reassuring.

In other news, I'm dating someone. He's wonderful! If you want more details than that, you'll have to e-mail me.

stories

2007-12-11T13:44:00.000-05:00

"Some people say we're made of flesh and bones, scientists say we're made of atoms but I say we're made of stories. When we're dead, that's what people remember, the stories that we've told and the stories that we've lived."

-ruth stotter

It's true, I think. At least this is what my semester has taught me. What? You thought I was studying political theory? Well, indeed I am. Or am supposed to be. But this year I have also been a student intern at the U of T crc campus ministry. Which has been pretty monumental for my faith, my relationships, my academic life, maybe my future. I didn't think I would become so captivated by the people and their stories. So interested in discussing and learning in a ministry context. So involved in mentoring and leading.

What now? Make a mad dash before Christmas to catch up on semester's worth of neglected independent study...because I still want to finish my degree!

fearfully and wonderfully, waterproof

2007-11-12T09:49:00.001-05:00

that's how God made me.

i just went for a run. when i started, it was drizzling. by the end, it was coming down more heavily.

i used to refuse to run in the rain.

but it was a good run. and a little water never hurt anyone.

that's what i've learned today.

ones who make my heart rejoice

2007-10-16T23:13:00.000-04:00

By now the regular readers of this blog are probably familiar with most of these faces, so I won't go through and name them all.

But, ten points to the person who can figure out the name of one of the people in the last picture. Fifty points to the person who can tell me both names!

The blessings of community, family, friends, and an academic and spiritual tradition abound. What spontaneous joy and deep gratitude these faces inspire!

Don't let anyone else speak for you

2007-10-09T13:55:00.001-04:00

Ok, this is the political side of me coming out: all you Ontarians out there had better get out to vote tomorrow! Especially in the referendum. Say yes to MMP--mixed member proportional electoral system.

That's really all I have to say about that.

these will be deleted. i am trying to change my profile picture. we will see if it works...otherwise, it just looks narcisistic.

2007-09-30T19:07:00.001-04:00

sigh...sort of

2007-09-30T18:05:00.001-04:00

So the LSAT went better than I expected it to, especially considering I got almost no sleep the night before and was struggling with a cold and blowing my nose all throughout the test. It's out of my hands now--I should find out about my score in about 3 weeks. I feel at peace about it. I am so grateful for all of you who prayed for me, thought of me, or just generally were wonderful in the weeks and days leading up to the LSAT. I was so uplifted and encouraged by you, and feel truly blessed.

However, my body decided that since I no longer had the stress of the upcoming LSAT, it would abandon health for the time being. I have a cold or something--sore throat, I sound like a man, my head's all stuffy and my throat try, and worst of all, my head feels like it is seriously going to EXPLODE at any moment. Any home remedies, anyone??

I'm going to go sit over a steaming pot with a towel over my head now.

there's a light (what light?)

2007-09-25T17:53:00.001-04:00

I realize that Wilco did not include the question mark, but to me it feels like it should be there today.

I love bikers. Cyclists, I mean. Every afternoon when I step out of ICS at 5pm and into the rush hour madness of public transit, I have the privilege of watching all the cyclists on College Street. I admire cyclists in Toronto. I am too fearful to join them, particularly because I have seen too many of them nearly get smushed by a cab or a thoughtless driver, or even by a self-centered pedestrian who steps out into the bike lane in front of them. But there is something wonderfully, beautifully subversive about the many, many cyclists who whiz past me as I walk to the subway.

Today I am stuck on a question that plagues me on a regular basis: will I ever NOT be crazy insanely committed to too many worthy activities? Before November 1, I must write the LSAT, apply to law schools, catch up on all the reading I'm missing to study for said LSAT, catch up on my independent study reading, re-write a paper so that a poor grade on my transcript can maybe be raised, start leading a women's group, ... And that isn't meant as self-pity, and I don't want anyone's sympathy, because I committed to all these things. I said yes to them. And they are all wonderful things to be involved in. And I actually thought that I was going to AVOID this kind of craziness this semester by being wary of commitment. I guess not. But feeling this overwhelmed, trying to anticipate a time sometime in the future when I might have time to relax for a few hours, often makes me think about the rest of my life. Will I perpetually over-commit? What will it take for me to stop leading an over-committed life? Or is that just the way life is these days? Sometimes I think it will be better when I have a job (and am not a student), or when/if I'm married, or when/if I have kids.... but I know that's not necessarily true. One of those life questions for me, I guess.

Yesterday I cut my finger on a rusty nail sticking out of the underside of my kitchen table, and yelled out loud (I was alone in my apartment). I promptly burst into tears. I know that "burst into tears" is an expression that perhaps has lost its meaning, but it really describes what happened to me--and it did feel like it happened TO me--because it was totally unexpected and unpremeditated. It was like a reflex; it was automatic. It was strange. And very cathartic.

what was I thinking?

2007-09-19T23:11:00.000-04:00

In ten days I will take what is probably the biggest, most important test I will ever take in my life.

I hope it doesn't beat me.

I apologize in advance for the lack of contact that has been and will remain the case for the next ten days. Studying for the LSAT constantly in addition to taking classes, reading for said classes, interning at the U of T campus ministry, mentoring, leading a "20's/30's/young adults/singles and couples" group at church, and trying to maintain a social life here means that e-mails get mysteriously little time.

pictures of the westward wedding blitz

2007-08-26T19:26:00.000-04:00

Wedding #1. This is me, eager to greet the newly married couple...they just weren't as eager to greet me, I guess :) (I'm kidding, Jeff and Angie!)

Bradley, Alyssa, and me. Checking to see if they're smiling and looking at the camera.

Wedding #2: Kelly! (She married Joel.)

Me and my sister scootering around town. It was AWESOME.

At a rest area...road trips with Jonathan and Ann rock!

Laura's bachelorette party...yup, complete with a Pasma! It just didn't seem right for him NOT to be there, as a former roommate and all. (Don't worry, it was all very innocent...while Pas was there.)

ARGHURHURGGG. Beth, waiting with charming elevator music, for the expedia.ca people to tell her what was wrong with her and Kara's flight.

Yes, this is a different picture...an hour later... (after 2 hours, she finally talked to a real person, who promptly told her they couldn't help her and she had to call another company.)

Lovely bride and groom #3!

Crazy former roommates...wonder why we're all single? :)

the facebook time warp

2007-08-11T14:07:00.000-04:00

I have just been eaten alive by facebook. In the process of trying to do a final edit and perfect the bibliography on my papers, I was distracted by the facebook madness. Ughhg. I have no willpower. I gave in the the "join facebook!" peer pressure last week, and now it's taking up far too much time.

In other news, I am halfway through my "go west, young woman" western wedding blitz. Congratulations to Jeff and Angie (Grand Rapids) and Kelly and Joel (South Holland, IL) on their recent marriages! And Laura and Jeremy (Minneapolis), the craziness of wedding stress will soon be a thing of the past...

I loved every moment of my week with my brother's family. Well, maybe not the moment when I was sliding down huge inflatable slides with Bradley (4 and a half) and got serious "rug" burns on my elbows and wrists. But seeing him come down screaming with joy was pretty hilarious.

While trying to get from Union to Millennium Park in Chicago, I discovered that the Chicago Transit system is not visitor-friendly. No signs (where's the Metra??). Not on time. Snippy drivers. That's all I have to say about that.

up up and away

2007-08-03T23:52:00.000-04:00

Leaving early tomorrow morning to start the 16 day journey of wedding hopping.

Very tired because of last night.

Will see many of you soon.

Hopefully I'll be back to speaking in full sentences by then.

college days

2007-08-03T03:43:00.000-04:00

Did I really just do this?

I'm about to go to bed. I've been up until now (it's almost 4am) finishing a paper. It's not even due tomorrow. But I wanted it to be done before I leave for two weeks of travelling west for weddings on Saturday (Grand Rapids, South Holland (IL), and Minneapolis). So I told myself it was going to be done before I went to bed tonight.

And here I am.

I didn't even know I could stay up this late anymore.

Anyone up for an adventure next year? Especially Americans?

2007-07-31T13:27:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to help out a friend who recently finished this Project SERVE program...they need people for this year, starting in a month. I think you might have to be an American citizen to get some of the benefits, but it's worth looking into!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know (or are you) a recent college graduate that doesn't currently have plans and might be interested in volunteering for a year in Baltimore, the most under-rated city in America? I highly reccommend the program, and the basic components are this:

-an 11-month commitment to serving in a Catholic Charities organization in or near Baltimore City (placements available based on interest in working with children, the homeless - either in a shelter or soup kitchen, women, minorities, the elderly, etc.)
-living in community in a house with other volunteers
-in exchange for service you receive an Americorps education award of $4,750 after completion of service, a monthly stipend to cover food and transportation and other living expenses, free housing including utilities and health care coverage paid for by Catholic Charities

It's a sweet program, so if you know anyone interested, please do suggest it to them for me, or contact Abby Maloney mailto:amaloney@cc-md.orgdirectly!

boy oh boy

2007-07-26T16:49:00.000-04:00

since my return from four years of school in the USA, i sometimes i have these stark "crazy! this would never happen in the states!" moments.
today i had one while listening to cbc.

the ontario attorney general was being interviewed and he said that he is lobbying the federal government to institute a complete ban on handguns throughout canada. there were 4 deaths and 8 serious injuries due to handguns in a 24 hour period in toronto alone last weekend.

and i thought, "this would never be an issue up for discussion in the states! especially not when the nra makes sure that people can still own semi-automatics."

canada, how i love thee right now.

"Fuck off and Die"

2007-07-24T23:05:00.000-04:00

(Did I really just make that my title?! Well, it got your attention, didn't it...)

Last weekend I took a break from my summer course and saw two Fringe theatre festival plays. One was called Maxim & Cosmo, and it was a 90-minute one man show about gender stereotypes and language. Absolutely excellent.

The second was called Fuck off and Die, and it was also really good. It was a one-woman show in which the actress read teen angst poetry she wrote between the ages of 12 and 16 (she's 27 now). Hilarious! If you wrote any poetry during that time of life, go back to it and read it now. I bet you'll both feel those same feelings AND laugh uproariously.

Inspired by the honest expressiveness of Fuck off and Die and the cultural analysis of Maxim & Cosmo, I composed this poem. It is dedicated to the two men standing in front of a bar whom I passed on my nightly walk tonight.
(Warning: I'm no Shakespeare. This was pretty stream-of-consciousness.)

Disturbing the Peace

I hate the way you look at me
As if I am a body passing by
Solely for your viewing pleasure.
I hate the way you look at me
With your squinting weaselly eyes
Making no attempt to hide
Your vertical appraisal.
I hate the way you look at me
And I desperately want a shower
To scrub off the slimy residue
Constant remnant of your projected thoughts.
I hate the way you look at me
And I am naked and vulnerable and
Alone.

so much beauty it makes you cry*

2007-07-22T22:25:00.000-04:00

Tonight as I got ready to go for a walk/run I had an inexplicable urge to cry.
I didn't.

Yesterday night as I watched the movie The Notebook for the first time I had an uncontrollable urge to cry.
I did.**

For some reason my walk tonight made me think of Sunday nights in Covenant hall at Dordt. People were quietly milling about, watching tv (someone was even watching tv on their porch!), walking with friends, sitting in the dark on their porches with family, kids doing cartwheels in the middle of the road (at 10pm). It felt like everything a summer night should be. Relaxed. The faint smell of a bonfire. Old men watering their lawns. Lots of those solar powered little lamps lining sidewalks. A minivan coming home from a trip with two red canoes on its roof. Couples walking along quietly murmuring to each other. The cicadas buzzing away. Thankfully, none of those darned lady beetle bugs that infested Dordt in the summer and fall. The neighbourhood had the kind of good-natured neighbourliness that exists on a campground; everyone relaxed and helpful, chatty and content.

I've purchased two cds in the past week: Rufus Wainwright (Release the Stars) and Martyn Joseph (Deep Blue). Both are excellent. I enjoy them more each time I listen to them. To me that's a sign of a very good cd.

I'm done with my two week summer class. Except for the paper. In the next two weeks I have to finish that paper and a paper for a previous course. Ikes. I want to get them both done before leaving for the wedding tour. August 4: Grand Rapids. August 10: South Holland. August 18: Minneapolis. Sweet! (I decided to just keep going west--there's no point in coming home in between!)

To celebrate the completion of the class, I got two novels from the library to read FOR FUN. I've been trying to read more Canadian fiction lately, so I started with Who Has Seen the Wind by W. O Mitchell and Larry's Party by Carol Sheilds. I'm three-fourth the way through the first book, and it's remarkable. Anyone who wants a good look into the mind of a 4 to 11 year old, especially into the thoughts he has about God, or if you just want a good story about growing up on the prairies--this is a great read.

That's all for now.

*I do believe I have Amy Blok to credit for that title, which came to me while running tonight. I really hadn't understood what it meant until tonight.
**Warning: spoiler-I held out until the part when the old Noah arranges the candlelight dinner for Allie and then she remembers him and she's all there until all of a sudden she's screaming that she doesn't know him and he sinks into the bed with tears in his eyes. That's when I lost it.

market goodness

2007-07-14T11:00:00.001-04:00

I love the market.

I love it.

I love meeting the people who are tending and harvesting the deliciousness that I purchase.

I love fresh blueberries, grown nearby.

I love getting cheese from the people who age it, and eggs from the chicken farmers.

Yum.

I don't really have anything else to say, except to recommend that you all find a farmers' market in your area, if there is one, and check it out some weekend. I know the "eat local" thing is a bit of a fad right now (at least it is in Canada), but really, this is one fad worth following.

Speaking of fads, I have been urged repeatedly by almost everyone I know to join Facebook. Well, today as I was walking back from the market I was stuck behind three women, two daughters and a mother, and the daughters looked about in their early thirties. For the entire 10 minutes that I was walking behind them, the daughters were talking about Facebook. "Oh my gosh, I invited him to be my friend last week and he hasn't responded! Do you think he rejected me??" "Did you see those pictures of so and so with her?" "I set up dad's account for him, and he still can't figure out how to use it." And the mom just walked along, looking like she felt ignored and out of the loop.

This seemed to me like a good reason to continue to postpone joining. It seems to take over people's lives! Is it worth it?

I'm pretty sure I'll give in eventually.

Those church fathers are killing me.

2007-07-11T20:34:00.000-04:00

On Monday I started a two week summer course. An intensive two week summer course. I don't think I knew what I was getting myself into.

History of Christian Political Thought.

Augustine, Isidore of Seville, Justinian, Aquinas, Dante, Luther, Calvin, Althusius, Locke...

These are the men (allllll men) who I am reading, constantly, in every spare moment, when I'm not actually IN class from 9am-1pm. The required readings are extensive--up to 100 pages a day, and we have class every day! I don't know how everyone else is doing it. I am behind already.

I will not have a life for the next two weeks.

from the other country's capital on my country's birthday

2007-07-02T16:55:00.000-04:00

so that's not exactly accurate, since i am indeed both an american and canadian citizen.

however, i am in washington dc. for a week. yes, i am here over the independence day holiday. hooray.

it's been a great week so far--invigorating discussions about government and public policy and how we think about such things as Christians. and that's just in the fist 24 hours!

oh, and guess who i saw today? (warning: this won't mean anything to some of you.) dr. dave!! he is the director of the middle east studies program that i went on in cairo in fall 2004. he's here for the cccu directors program. what a wonderful surprise as i walked down the stairs to breakfast this morning!!

in more exciting news, i'm an aunt for the fifth time as of this morning!! my oldest sister rebecca had a baby girl, their third child, named Colette Aria. i think it's a beautiful name. but then, i'm probably slightly biased!! no pictures yet. but i'm sure she's adorable already! :)

has anyone ever read the book "searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller (the famed "blue like jazz" guy)? i just finished it and have lots of questions. it was excellently thought-provoking.

so the radio at the coffee shop where i'm accessing the internet just started playing celine dion's "my heart will go on". eee. maybe it's time to leave.

Hey now

2007-06-27T15:02:00.000-04:00

This is not normal.

As I walked home from getting groceries today, I was waiting at a busy street corner for the light to change. A black sports car pulled up to the intersection and stopped at the red light. A young man wearing an A-shirt jumped out of the passenger side and motioned for the driver to go through the light and meet him on the other side of the intersection. This young man crossed traffic and approached another young man who was standing a few yards away from me, also wearing an A-shirt. I thought they were friends, and they were going to say hi, but instead the man who came from the car started punching the waiting man in the face. The only part of the verbal exchange that I heard was the victim saying, "Man, I didn't touch your pills! I only had those ten!!" I was quite disturbed, not knowing what to do, particularly as the victim's lips were now gushing blood. Then, as quickly as it started, the aggressor ran across the street, met his car, jumped in a drove away. The guy with the bleeding face walked a few yards ahead of me down the street, and kept walking straight when I turned onto my street.

This is not supposed to happen here. It wasn't even that serious--the guy walked away, three or four punches were thrown--but it was just too ramdonly violent. Crazy, in light of my second-last post.

as promised, but not to bore

2007-06-18T22:09:00.000-04:00

Day 1 of the conference in Kananaskis, Alberta: 1 hour from Calgary.
3 inches of SNOW! After the May long weekend!!

Day 3: what a sight! And 20 (70F) degrees, two days later...

That little rascal!! I left him and his 4 1/2 year old sister alone for FIVE MINUTES and he was covered from head to toe, literally, in marker... thankfully, washable.

She is so excited about her new complete set of "Little House on the Prairie" books ("with hardly ANY pictures, just like dad's books!"), that she falls asleep with the book propped up, "reading" it.

Me and Jenna, the bride, at her wedding in Indiana last weekend. She's excited!

Of course I could post piles and piles of pictures of my adorable niece and nephew, but I will spare you. I do realize that they are probably far more adorable to their aunt than to her friends! :)

tranquility in the urban jungle

2007-06-17T16:42:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been walking around my neighbourhood. And beyond. Usually at dusk. Or dawn. Those are great times of day, and not only because one avoids the smog warnings of midday. I usually walk east on a residential street a block north of the Danforth--which won't mean anything to those of you who don't know Toronto. But the Danforth is a main east-west street in Toronto--busy and bustling with cars and commerce.

What has amazed and calmed me during recent walks is that only one block away from the Danforth the streets I walk are peaceful. I am rarely passed by cars. I wave to the occasional dog-walker. Kids play in the school-yard playgrounds with their parents. People work in their gardens. In the morning many residents pass me on their way to the subway. I dare say, at least from an "outside" perspective, the neighbourhood is peaceful. I am overwhelmed by contentedness when I walk through it. This is one of the many things I have grown to love about this city: its residential areas. It is really rare for a city of 2 million+ to have dedicated residential areas so close to downtown--and, in fact, right in the heart of downtown you can find many side streets full of townhomes and duplexes and parks and gardens.

This city feels livable.

The more I explore this city, the more I love it. It has its heartbreaking areas too--like boystown, the powerplants on the waterfront, the financial district oozing with greed, the congested smog-producing web of highways, the spaces under bridges that too many call home--but these areas too give me a bigger heart for this city. My heart breaks for those who may never know the peace of the neighbourhoods a block from the Danforth and as I realize that the natural beauty of those neighbourhoods is threatened by the pollution we produce.

back. sort of.

2007-06-04T17:29:00.000-04:00

right now i'm home at my parents' house. i was back in toronto for a day and a half before leaving again for the wedding of a cousin, after which i came home with my parents and sister Joya to hang out for a few days and to celebrate Dad's birthday. it's been good. i'm going back to T-dot tonight.

the trip to the west was fabulous!! words cannot describe it. so, hopefully tomorrow, i'll put up some pictures. mostly of an adorable niece and nephew and a very pregnant oldest sister! oh, and while i was in the calgary area (kananaskis, to be exact) 3 inches of SNOW fell. SNOW!! after victoria day!! nutty alberta.

(thanks for anticipating a new post, matt!
you rock.)

aaaahhhhhhhh....

2007-05-21T21:26:00.000-04:00

breathe in....
....breathe out.....

that is the sound of sara actually breathing again because she is done with those two 19 page papers. on time. sent in. out of mind.

i apologize to those of you with whom i usually converse--i haven't been around much lately.

now, to get ready for a nine day vacation--to a conference in calgary and then to see my oldest sister and her family in vancouver.

hooray!

i'm sure pictures and stories will follow. in ten days.

the hidden curriculum

2007-05-18T21:17:00.000-04:00

No one is forcing me to be in graduate school. This is something I decided I wanted to do, something I thought I'd be good at. And I guess I am pretty good at it. And, despite all the stress and complaining, I kind of like it, too. Stimulating discussions, good friends, encouraging mentors, even writing papers--I generally enjoy all of the above.

Lately I have been thinking about my first year of grad school, and have come to the conclusion that really, I've learned more about myself this year than I have about philosophy. (Ok, I've learned a lot about philosophy, too, and it was a pretty steep learning curve.) My experience has been more about the non-school learning, perhaps as a result of the overwhelming nature of the school learning! I've learned about procrastination (yup, this is it), self-discipline, friendships, loving myself, being alone, taking responsibility for myself (and not others), and how rewarding it is to complete seemingly impossible tasks. And yes, I have also done some book learnin': about religion and public policy, reformational philosophy, pluralism (theological and societal), the ecological crisis we're in, and even a little about art.

Perhaps I was motivated to write this post because I am in the middle of a huge crunch time and I need to convince myself that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I need to revise one final research paper and finish (about 10 more pages) of another before Monday, because I'm leaving on Tuesday for a conference in Calgary, and am then on to visit my sister and her family in Vancouver. I also need to do laundry, rearrange my apartment to make room for a summer roommate, and a number of other odds and ends before I leave.

But if this year has taught me anything, it's that these things will get done. Somehow. And that gives me hope. Ultimately, I am certainly not in control. Of course I have to work hard and be responsible with these opportunities, and I will face challenges; but in the grand scheme of things, I am not in control.

Phew.

subway inspiration

2007-05-13T22:46:00.000-04:00

So the other day I was in and out of the subway a few times while doing errands. The weather was very warm--one of the hottest days of the year so far, and humid too--and it suddenly occurred to me: Why don't we all live underground? In the summer, it's so much cooler underground, both in my basement apartment and on the subway. In the winter the ground acts as insulation and contains the heat of my cozy basement apartment with amazing efficiency. Then we could expend less fossil fuel heating and cooling! It's the future of ecologically friendly living.

Oh yeah, except we'd all have to be ok living in homes with no natural light. EEEeeek.

yes, i do realize how silly this sounds

2007-05-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

i feel like i'm behind on life.

so many of my friends are doing fabulous things, things that i've always wanted to do, and that i envision myself doing someday.

buying homes, gardening, buying cars (well, i'm still crossing my fingers that this can wait a looooong time, or forever), getting married, having children, actually being done with school.

and it just feels like everyone's ahead of me in the game of life!

[caveat: the last time i actually played the Game of Life, i commented on how ridiculously uniform it was...and how unrealistic...so i should certainly keep this in mind when feeling "behind"...)

and i know it's not a contest. it just feels like everyone else is more grown up, more "really an adult" than me.

i know that some of you reading this are still in school, so that helps a bit, knowing i'm not the only one!

perhaps this is the "i have so many papers to finish (and start?) that my brain is momentarily turning to mush and all i want is to be a normal 23 year old enjoying summer" mentality kicking in.

hm.

Everyone's favourite president

2007-05-06T16:39:00.000-04:00

pictures of the lenten days (part deux)

2007-05-02T15:22:00.000-04:00

I went, spur of the moment, with my parents to Michigan one weekend in March. We stayed with my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids, Alyssa and Bradley. Guess what? A third is on its way, due in November!!
(On the same trip, I got to see Marcus, Amy, Justine, and Shaffstall! Those pictures to come...)

Bradley has loved Grandpa's glasses from the time he could grab them off his face.

Grandma and Alyssa

Three generations of athletic men: my dad, my brother, and little Bradley show their stuff!

Poor Alyssa...she fell off the slide and was cut between her lip and her nose :(
But she was still smiling!

Bradley doesn't like having his picture taken.

Reading already--and not even two years old!

#101

2007-04-30T23:02:00.000-04:00

so apparently, this is my one hundred and first post.

yikes. i need to get a life.

but before i do... let me tell you that i just finished reading the best novel i have read in a very long time--perhaps, ever. the kite runner, by khaled hosseini. i can't even put into words right now what was so amazing about it, because i just finished it. (i started it on saturday night. it's a 400 page book. yes, it's that riveting. i'm supposed to be writing papers, doing reading that's relevant to them, and i have been addicted to the kite runner.)

if you ever need a good book to read with a book club or just on your own, pick this one up. maybe i'll try to explain its goodness later. or not.

the joys of public transit

2007-04-28T18:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday night I was coming home on the streetcar (after waiting for at least 15 minutes for it), going north on Bathurst (I know these street names will probably mean nothing to most of you), desperately hoping to catch the subway before it closed at 1:50am.

If you miss the subway, there are buses that run the same route as the subway, but they are not-so-affectionately called "the drunk buses" because you ride them with the people who were kicked out of the bars at last call. Anyway, I've had a few bad experiences on the drunk bus, so I like to avoid it if at all possible.

So here I am, in the streetcar, a block away from the subway station, minding my own business, when suddenly we stop. In the middle of an intersection. Right in the middle. Blocking all traffic going both ways. So I'm a little curious, but not worried. But we don't move for a minute or two, and now I get annoyed. Why are we stopped?? I hate the drunk bus!!

Well, I hear the guy behind me call his friend on his cell phone and tell him that he's going to be late because there is a homeless man standing directly in the path of the streetcar waving around his transfer. Huh?? I look out the front of the streetcar. Sure enough, there he is, a middle-aged man who looks a little ragged, and he is standing facing the streetcar, wildly waving his transfer. The driver, obviously not the confrontational type, simply puts on his flashers, picks up a newspaper, and sits there reading. There wasn't really anything he could do, anyway, short of physically removing the guy--it's not like he could go around him! After five or ten minutes, a cop shows up and escorts the man away from the streetcar tracks. The driver sighed and put down his newspaper, as if he were disappointed that he had such a short break.

I made it to the subway station just in time to catch the very last train of the night.

Phew.

boo that

2007-04-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

so when i got home from ICS tonight, i saw my new answering machine flashing one new message at me. excited to hear it, i pressed the "play" button and waited in anticipation. a friend? family member? at least someone who knows me?

nope. my very first message on my new answering machine was from a security company that wanted to sell me a $1000 home security system that will protect my family from burglars, alert the fire department in case of a fire, and act as my "help! i've fallen and i can't get up!" system to boot. oh, and they even threw in a free vacation if i called a 1-800 number and entered the secret code 1068.

great. just great. this is what i was missing!

(i realize how lame it is that i've posted twice about my answering machine. it's taking me a while to get back into this blogging thing. i apologize. consider this a test of your endurance and dedication to reading this blog. it'll build character.)

now i am always available

2007-04-25T21:12:00.000-04:00

well, sort of.

some of you reading this may have tried to call me in the last 6 or 8 months. some of you may have heard my standard, "hello, this is sara" if you were fortunate enough to catch me during the few hours a day i am actually in my apartment. others of you probably faced one of two alternatives:

1) the phone just kept ringing, and ringing, and ringing, and ringing...
2) an answering machine picked up, and you heard my message, and left a message. or so you thought.

the answering machine i had been using was lent to me. i found out later (by pulling out the cassette tape and trying it in my stereo) that it was from at least as far back as 1994. i don't think it worked properly once. sometimes it picked up and played my recorded message. sometimes it didn't. sometimes it recorded messages, or so it appeared to those calling. but i never once heard any of those messages, because it would never play them for me, nor alert me to the fact that i had new messages! after listening to the cassette of messages from 1994, i'm pretty sure it never actually recorded anything relevant to me. so now lots of people think that i'm a big jerk because they called and left me messages and i never got back to them.

in come my parents, the GST auction, and a new reachability...

i told my parents about this dilemma (and they themselves experienced the frustration of unreturned calls more than once), and they agreed to look for an answering machine for me. as it turns out, the local christian school, where my mom is the principal, had its annual GST (goods, services, and talents) auction on saturday night, and there waiting for the highest bidder was a new fangled answering machine, complete with digital messaging and three (count 'em, three), separate mailboxes. (i don't need more than one. but still. if you do call and get the machine, just for fun you can choose to press "2" or "3" and surprise me by leaving a message in one of my other mailboxes. thrilling, i know.) at any rate, they thought of me, bought the answering machine, and the school got the money. what a deal!

so now, i am reachable at any time. well, at least you can always be sure to hear my lame-o answering machine message if i'm not home to answer the phone myself.

Phantom - Feb. 21

2007-04-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

Phantom of the Opera--Opening night!!

Ohhh...spooky....

Getting ready (no was as dressed up as we expected...)

pictures of the lenten days

2007-04-17T14:59:00.000-04:00

Yvana and me, on the way to an OHL hockey game (reading week: February)

The snow that blew up against my door...I couldn't open it without the snow falling into my poor entryway!

Lorraine relaxing while...

...the boys do the dishes.
(March)

Jeff and I laughing at the guys goofing off in the hot tub.

Said hot tub fun.

Our amazing fondue feast. And Chris.

Lorraine's a good photographer. This is our magazine picture. I love salads.

i'm back

2007-04-13T23:17:00.000-04:00

but i'm really tired right now. the ics retreat was last night and today. needless to say, very little sleep was had by most. including me. but it was a grand ole time!

here's a picture of my new haircut to tempt you to come back and check again later when i have a whole bunch more photos up... (ok, so it's not new to anyone who has seen me since march, but hey, i haven't blogged since then.)

bye for now

2007-02-21T23:34:00.000-05:00

A mother's gift.

My mom gave me this amaryllis.
She has a passion for flowers.

-------------------------------------------------------

Lorraine and I were among the first to see the Phantom of the Opera in Toronto (for this run, at least) tonight!! She won tickets to OPENING NIGHT at a Phantom fan club breakfrast last semester...and I was lucky enough to go with her. It was amazing. If anyone out there still hasn't seen it, it's well worth whatever you have to pay. Fantastic. The music is unbelievable. Wow.
(I would have pictures, except Lorraine said she'd be embarassed of me if I took any...)

:)

So I'm taking a break from blogging. I haven't really had anything interesting to say of late anyway. I'm addicted to checking blogs, and that can't be good. From now on, if I want to see how you're doing, I'll send you an email or give you a call or even write you an old fashioned LETTER. I won't be checking or posting, so don't be offended or annoyed. Or, go ahead and be offended and annoyed, and write me a letter to tell me about how offended and annoyed you are.

Check back around Easter!

Bye for now,

Sara

The results of a Christmas gift-- at last

2007-02-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

Above: me and Lorraine

Above: My apartment! (For those of you who haven't seen it yet...oh, and there's people in the picture, too: Yvana, Jeff, and Mike.)

Me laughing. And Noah. In fact, I'm probably laughing AT Noah.

Noah and Chris reading my coffee table magazines...The Banner and Geez Magazine.

Mike. He's a happy guy.

Blogger forced me to make the switch to their "bigger and better" blogger. I don't like being coerced. But I couldn't post anything without switching. So here I am. It's not so bad.

I really wanted to post because....

PICTURES!!
(Ok, so this new blogger hasn't made it any easier to place pictures where I want them in posts...sorry...deal with it.)

Above: Jon and Kara, at Jon's house. Check out Jon's halo!

Below: Paul and the dog. I am so sorry, I cannot remember the name of the dog!

Above: a family portrait, at Jon's house
We all look so happy because we all just ate the yummiest fried desert EVER (thanks, Beth and Paul!)

The more pictures I add, the more they get all jumbled up. So just enjoy the pictures, ok? They're out of order.

Hmmmmm..... sigh of relief

2007-02-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

Today is the beginning of reading week for me. What a blessed idea. A week in the middle of each semester to work ahead (read: catch up!) on reading and prepare for upcoming presentations and papers. And to give one's apartment a deep clean (which is what I've been doing all day--and LOVING it). And to go home for the weekend to enjoy the company of one's parents and friends.

Hmm...I can't remember the last time I felt this relaxed. What a much needed break.
A deep breath.

I couldn't be happier, thank goodness!

2007-02-12T16:16:00.000-05:00

(Where is the title from? Points may be awarded for correct answers...)

I'm officially done with the fall semester.

I handed in my IDS paper today.

Good riddance.

Happy.

Yay.

oh dear

2007-02-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

I just found out, through a friend of a friend's blog, that this road trip is coming to Dordt in March. You have to check this out. How will Dordt respond?? I'm curious.

(Soulforce is also going to Calvin College, Messiah College, Gordon College, Covenant College, and 30+ other religious colleges....)

world's best...

2007-02-07T20:03:00.000-05:00

...procrastinator.

Just now my internet wasn't working (thank you, Bell Sympatico...grrr...), so instead of taking this as a hint and getting back to work, I played, oh, 7 or 8 games of minesweeper until the internet worked again and I could check my e-mail.

Sick.

I sure hope my profs never read this.

Back to work!

what did you expect?

2007-02-03T12:04:00.000-05:00

Nothing.

It's better to expect nothing.

I don't mean it's better to have low expectations. That would be rather depressing. I mean it's better to not have any expectations. To go into new situations and friendships with no presuppositions, if that's at all possible. Then you are not faced with disappointment or unrealistic expectations. I think life would be more exciting, more hopeful this way.

That's what I've learned this week at ICS.

To humour a friend

2007-02-01T22:16:00.000-05:00

I just read Christopher's blog (see link on right). He "tagged" me to do the following:
-grab the book closest to you
-turn to page 123
-find the fourth sentence down
-post the three following sentences
-post the author and name of the book
(I hope I'm remembering that correctly.)

So here goes.

"The keeping of the covenant (emunah) on the part of man, who knows he is secure in this relation to God, then finds its expression in the way of life according to the guidelines of the Torah. Buber's determination of the early period of Israel as situated in the life of this emunah-religiosity is of course itself influenced by the ieas of Protestant Biblical criticism in the nineteenth century. Taubes in his turn takes distance from Buber's simple opposition of emunah as an expression of natural belonging to a people and pistis as a "foreign" Greek notion of faith."

From: the afterword of The Political Theology of Paul by Jacob Taubes (translated by Dana Hollander). I have a stack of nine books beside my computer that I have to return to the library after reading from them for my last paper on Romans 13.

Ok, so this was a rather interesting exercise and I didn't do it just to humour Chris. I'm tagging three people to do the same: Matt K, Ann, and Nathan S (Nathan, you can just post yours as a comment--I know you're not blogging right now...)

Today I had a long talk with my mentor at ICS. I'm glad I took the initiative to discuss some questions with him. He's a great mentor. I'm still feeling rather lost, but now am more sure that I don't need to make a drastic move away from ICS in order to be able to honestly express myself. If that's vague, it's ok. I'll be fine.

papers, naivite, questions, frustration

2007-01-30T22:24:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all my friends who called, wrote, and sent packages to wish me happy birthday. And to everyone who came over Sunday night to celebrate and eat good food. I'm officially 23, and officially the owner of a large number of excellent cds.

So the paper that caused so much stress last week is finished. I'm not thrilled with the outcome, but it's finished. I'm disappointed in myself for not caring about this next paper, either-the one for the class from last semester that was, to put it nicely, my least favourite class. I've got two weeks. Can it be done? I doubt it can be done well. That's depressing.

Questions distracting me of late:

-Must we relativize the Bible in order to be culturally sensitive? Must we relativize God in order to respond to criticisms about patriarchy and ecological destruction? (Yes, this comes from a class I'm in this semester, Christianity and the Ecological Crisis)

-How long does it take to get over unpleasant events in one's past? Do we ever truly "get over" anything? How do we keep from being constantly re-traumatized, from reliving the pain?

-What does it mean to truly (and healthily) "belong", in culture in which people look for belonging in all the wrong places?

-Who defines what Christianity is? If I think the Bible and Christ are vitally important to Christianity but an ecofeminist nun in Latin America doesn't, how do I wrap my head around it? (again, that class.)

-Why am I at ICS?

-Is the word "God" inherently patriarchal? Can a masculine God save women? (class--and Stu)

-Why don't I do anything about climate change, in my own life, when it's clear that my children will be facing the consequences? Why do we continue to contribute to our own destruction?

-Can naivite sometimes be a good thing?

-Why do I have zero motivation for this upcoming paper when I've always been obsessed with academic achievement? Why am I incredibly disappointed in myself but still can't make myself work on it?

-Why do I always feel like my obligations require more time than I am given each day?

-Why is the sky blue? (Ok, that's been a source of wonder for quite some time.)

100 points to whomever can answer every one of the above questions to my satisfaction. (Chris, be careful--that would be a whole lot of procrastination...)

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

2007-01-23T22:27:00.000-05:00

(Ten points to the first person who can tell me where that title comes from.)

This is a new experience for me. Not that I was always so motivated before, but I had a sense of obligation, of not wanting to let myself or others down, that pushed me through the unmotivated stages satisfactorally.

But now. I'm experiencing a severe lack of motivation, just when my motivation and obligation should be at its peak--it's down to the wire! I'm having a very hard time getting started on my biblical foundations paper. Which is due Friday. Which should be 12-14 pages, at least.

I've done lots of research. And yet I feel I should be doing more. But the pressing time limits preclude any more research. And so I feel somewhat paralyzed. Where do I begin?

Why am I so adverse to writing this paper?? I'm even excited about the topic--although its breadth scares me a bit.

Ok, just sit down at the computer and start with an outline... it'll come...

ICS is humbling in more ways than one. In the end, I hope I will look back on this and reminice about how this time in my life taught me something important about myself. Something. Anything!

Life lessons can come from the daily task of reading for class

2007-01-22T13:10:00.000-05:00

"For all that has been,
Thanks;
for all that shall be,
Yes."
--Dag Hammarskjold, in Radical Gratitude by Mary Jo Leddy

"If one can no longer believe that things will be better and better, then maybe it is still possible to believe that there can be more and more for more and more people--if we just work hard enough and think smart enough. This consumerism has become the materialistic contortion of the modern secular version of meaning. Consumer confidence has become the new economic indicator of hope... In the imperitive of more, the economically generated dissatisfaction of consumerism is combined with the inherent dissatisfaction of the myth of progress in a potent mix. Is it any wonder that we find it difficult to be grateful in a more than intermittent way?"
--Mary Jo Leddy, Radical Gratitude

"The modern loss of faith in the last judgment ultimately results in a loss of belief in the consequences of one's actions and words, in the consequences of one's life...The tragedy is that if we do not think that our actions may have consequences for the worse, then neither will we be convinced that they will make any difference for the better."
--Mary Jo Leddy, Radical Gratitude

Creating an enlarged mentality

2007-01-18T22:33:00.000-05:00

(I owe the expression "enlarged mentality" in the title to Jennifer Nedelsky [one of the profs who taught my law, religion, and public discourse class last semester at U of T], who in turn owes it to Hannah Arendt, who apparently borrowed it from Kant. Just so I'm not stealing it.)

Today in my interreligious dialogue class we talked about how our society might avoid the pitfalls currently affecting much of western Europe, and specifically the Netherlands, as political parties call for harsh restrictions on immigration and laws restricting the religious expression of minorities (particularly Muslims) because of a fear of Islamic fundamentalism. This was in the news most recently due to the rioting of immigrant youth in France, the brutal murder of Theo Van Gogh in Amsterdam, and Ayaan Hirsi Ali's rising prominence in the US as a critic of multicultural policies, arguing that Islam is an inherently violent and oppressive religion.

We discussed the necessity of dialogue between adherents to different religious traditions, especially discussion in which one is open to understanding the life experiences and beliefs of others. One does not need to withhold opinions about right and wrong ways of life, but, out of love for neighbour, should be encouraged to speak sensitively and be willing also to hear criticisms and opinions regarding one's own religious tradition. The class agreed that citizens should invite dialogue as well as accept invitations to dialogue, as Jesus himself did throughout his ministry, with people very different from himself. There is no guarentee that others will accept your invitation, just as many reject Christ's. But we still invite. The more we know about others, the more we can understand why they live the way they do, the opinions they have, their history, and their moral, social, and political views.

I invite you to learn a little bit about the life of a doctor who lives half way across the world.

You're invited.

big final push

2007-01-17T18:11:00.000-05:00

I wish last semester was over. Forever.

I still have to write two papers, due 6 weeks after the last class of last semester. I'm so sick of those classes--IDS particularly--and I'm having a VERY hard time remaining motivated to research and write. I'm disappointed in myself. Although, it made me feel better to hear lots of pepole say last night at book club that they hadn't started their papers for IDS yet either--and they're due next week!

Anything new? Not really. This has been a busy week. I feel a little unsettled--I haven't been home much and my place is a mess. Tomorrow I have to present in my interreligious dialogue class, and then I'm making dinner for my aunt, uncle, and cousin who live above me. I'm looking foward to that. And Friday I have nothing scheduled during the day so I'll get a chance to clean up and RESEARCH for those aforementioned papers...

This was a boring post. I'm sorry.

ps. Has anyone ever read the book Emma by Jane Austen? We read it this month for our book club.

I'm in love!

2007-01-11T19:33:00.000-05:00

Now that I have your attention:

I watched a new CBC sitcom on Tuesday night: Little Mosque on the Prairie.

I loved it! I was surprised that it so openly took jabs at Muslims in North America and especially at how it portrayed the ignorance of non-Muslim North Americans (in this case, particularly those living in small towns) about Islam and terrorism. It was quite hilarious, if you ask me. If you're in Canada and can get CBC, check it out next Wednesday. I think it's on at 9pm (here).

This week I had my first classes of this semester. I am much more excited about these classes than about last semesters'!! On Tuesdays I have a class called "Christianity and the Ecological Crisis", and it's a small seminar class (6 students) with all first year Master's students whom I know well and appreciate more. And we're reading Wendell Berry, Norman Wirzba, and the Brazillian ecofeminist Ivone Gebara. AND the prof has listened to us regarding our overwhelmingness (a word??) of last semester and has purposely restricted the reading to 40-50 pages per week. This is heaven!!

Wednesdays I have a class at Regis College, a Catholic college and member of TST (Toronto School of Theology). It's called "Spirituality and Culture" and it's amazing. We'll be reading about and discussing how medieval, modern, and post-modern cultures have historically and are currently impacting Christian spirituality. More great readings.

Thursdays I return to ICS for a class with the same prof as Tuesday: my advisor, Ron. This class is called "Approaches to Interreligious Dialogue". Again, a small class is intimate, and the VP of advancement, John M., is auditing the class. John's awesome. I pressured him to take the class after he expressed interest. Hooray for non-traditional students with great contributions! We'll be talking about Christian approaches to pluralism-- to other religious beliefs.

This week is off to a great start. I'm still feeling pressure to get two papers done from last semestser in two weeks (AHHH!) but at least I'm actually excited to do my assigned reading for this semester.

aforementioned nephew. and niece. and me and mum.

2007-01-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

Above: Bradley doesn't like having his picture taken. But he's still cute. Of course.
Now isn't she just the most adorable Pebbles look-alike you've ever seen in your whole life??

Below: (Blogger won't let me put text underneath this picture) A self-portrait of me and Mom.

2007-01-03T01:01:00.000-05:00

Oh, Ann.

I just returned from an evening spent watching Garden State and having animated discussions with my dear friend Ann. We're alike in too many ways--it's scary. And our moms will never cease to remind us that they called it. They told us we should be friends before we even met each other at Dordt. Crazy.

I liked Garden State. I also watched Little Miss Sunshine last week with my mom, and yesterday we watched March of the Penguins. I've enjoyed all three. Especially Little Miss Sunshine. Usually I'm determined to be cautiously critical about things that everybody's raving about (ie. Blue Like Jazz), but I think this movie lives up to the hype.

Tomorrow I'm getting life insurance and sewing curtains. And reading all the instructions for my NEW DIGITAL CAMERA!! Thursday I'm heading back to T.O. for a bit, to work and research for papers, and then coming home again to bring back my parents' car and for a doctor's appointment. Then, back to the grind of classes on Tuesday. Yikes! More grad school.

my week...

2006-12-30T18:21:00.000-05:00

...has primarily been spent with the child on the right and his family--my brother Steven, his wife Lois, their daughter Alyssa, and the adorable boy on the right, Bradley. (I can't figure out why blogger is forcing me to underline all of this--I can't turn it off!)

What better way to spend a week of carefree vacation than to entertain a 4 year old and a one and a half year old? No better way. None at all.

merry christmas to all

2006-12-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

I attended a beautiful Christmas Eve service last night (at 10:30pm) at St. Thomas Anglican church in downtown St. Catharines. The building is old and ornate, and the congregation lively and welcoming. The choir and the brass ensemble were stunning. I went with my parents and friends of theirs, none of whom have ever attended an Anglican eucharist. (I felt a little like I was introducing them to "my" treasured tradition, which was very strange since I've only really attended Anglican churches this past semester in Toronto. I had to instruct them about how to take the eucharist.) The church bells were ringing as we entered, and they followed us as we left. What a wonderful way to spend Christmas Eve.

I love being home. I love spending time with my parents. I love discussing and debating with them, learning from them, absorbing my dad's humble wisdom and my mom's firey passion.

This week, no stress about papers. No pressure to understand what I'm reading. No deadlines.

Joya and Dave are driving here as I write.

Steven and Lois and the kids are coming on the 27th.

Hurray for family homecomings! What a blessed way to celebrate Christ's birth.

Pitiful

2006-12-21T13:57:00.000-05:00

I have this routine.

When I get tired of working on whichever paper is most pressing at the moment,* I have a routine.

First I check my gmail account to see if anyone's written. Usually, it's just amazon trying to tell me that I'm missing out on the best deal ever.

Next I check my school e-mail account to see if anything exciting is going on. Usually, the new e-mails are from a professor sending a mass e-mail about an upcoming conference that I'm far too confused about to be interested in.

Finally, I check my blog to see if anyone's commented. If not, I click down the (very long, as you can see) list of friends' blogs to see if anyone has updated.

Perhaps this is an explanation to any of you who wonder why I always manage to comment on your latest post within hours of you posting it.

Yup. This is why.

I think I may have a problem.

*Actually, this routine is not limited to relief from boredom while paper writing. I do this every morning when I turn on my computer, every night before I go to bed, when I get home from school, when I get to work. Basically, whenever I'm bored or I feel the alone-ness in my apartment, I go seeking connection through the computer screen. As I write this, I realize how very pitiful that sounds.

Exciting!! New BOOKS!!!

2006-12-20T13:29:00.000-05:00

Wow. I never thought I would enjoy getting new books so much. Here's a list of the books I just got--four for under $40!

The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis

The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Just Peacemaking by Glen Stassen

The Politics of Jesus by John Howard Yoder

(Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller...but it's in parentheses because I'm giving it to my cousin...)

Hooray for Crux Theological Books cheap book table!!

I stopped by Crux on my way home from handing in my BOOK for my law class...my 25 page paper ended up as a 29 page paper and it's DONE. Perhaps the book purchase was a celebration!!

Now, on to the ten pager.

procrastination method (1)

2006-12-18T19:11:00.000-05:00

I am in the middle of trying to finish a twenty-five page paper (due Wednesday) for my Law, Religion, and Public Discourse class at U of T. I loved the class, and I'm not hating the paper writing either. IT'S JUST SO LONG!! I'm having a hard time concentrating for such long periods of time. And after I'm done with that one, I have to write a ten page paper for Reformational Philosophy. Which won't be too bad either, since my wonderful prof gave me a two day extension (it had been due Wednesday as well). It's just hard to sit here at the computer and write like it was a full-time job. All day. And night. It makes me question whether I'm really cut out for academia.

So, to procrastinate, and in an effort to put some faces to the names I may drop in this blog from time to time, here are some pictures from the ICS Christmas party last Friday. More to come.

Me and Yvana. Yvana's awesome.

Yvana and Mike.
They're married.
I like them.

Chris, Jeff, Mike. The cool ones.

We made our own wine right before the Christmas party. (Well, on a few of us actually went to bottle it, but we all split a batch of red and white.)
It's good stuff! And cheap, too.

late night bus rides

2006-12-16T11:19:00.000-05:00

Last night after the ICS Christmas party, I had to take the bus home because it was too late for the subway (which is faster). The bus was really full, and I was standing in the aisle. Approaching my stop, I couldn't reach far enough to pull the rope draped above the bus windows to indicate I wanted to stop. There are also stop buttons on some poles, but those, too, were out of my reach. So I asked a man standing in front of me, "Could you please push the stop button for me?" He didn't hear me at first because he was wearing earphones, listening to his iPod. So I repeated, a little louder and more urgently (because we were almost going to fly by my stop), "Could you please push the stop button for me?" He heard me, turned around and looked at me, grinned creepily, pushed the button and said, "Why of course I can push the button for you, girlie."

Creepy.

I was in such a hurry to get off the bus that I fuddled with the doors while trying to open them and looked uncoordinated and silly--but I really didn't care. I just wanted off that bus.

how dare I forget???

2006-12-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

The groom!

WEDDING PICTURES!

2006-12-13T19:49:00.000-05:00

Finally got some digital pictures from Joya's wedding! Enjoy. (I know I do.)

Above: Trying to convince Bradley to come into the picture and smile...
Above: my immediate family(Steven, Mom, Joya, Dad, Sara, Rebecca)

The stunning bride, my dear sister

Aw, what a cute flower girl!

paper paper paper paper paper time

2006-12-11T12:35:00.000-05:00

Today I am going to write at least 10 pages of my 25-page paper due December 20th. I'm supposed to be reading for the classes I have this week, but that will have to wait. I also have a ten page paper due on December 20th. Hmm....

If you see me online today, yell at me. Tell me to get back to work. I'll only be procrastinating. Which will be extremely detrimental to my stress level and accomplishment at the end of the day.

I have the hiccups, and it's making it hard to think.

Today

2006-12-05T19:08:00.000-05:00

Today, I felt like I should be less emotional, like I should maintain the wall (that I previously lamented) between my past personal life and my life at ICS.

Today vulnerability became much scarier to me.

Today, for the first time I can remember, I realized how deeply the events of my past shape how I interpret the present.

Today, for the second time, I nearly cried in front of people at ICS.
(The first time was due to frustration over one of my classes....)

Today I was blessed by someone who hurt me.

Today I learned more about the power of words.

Today vulnerability became more important to me.

Today I realized that I should be more emotional, that I should share with others the pain of my past.

cozy warm friend & laughter-filled apartment

2006-12-04T12:39:00.000-05:00

What a wonderful weekend.

On Friday night we hung out at ICS for the weekly "We (H)ours", watching Crimes and Misdemeanors (Woody Allen), listening to Stu on the piano, and listening to Chris play the piano and sing songs he wrote. Good songs, as much as he denied it. I kept saying I was going to leave, just one more song,...and then it was 1:30 and I had to leave to catch the subway.

On Saturday my Mom came bright and early (at 8:45am--it was bright and early after a late night!) and we went to the One of a Kind craft show at the Ex. I love my mom. We had a good time admiring the various works, (there are a TON of vendors, all different kinds of 'crafts') and I bought three neat photographs to put on my empty walls. Then Mom took me grocery shopping for heavy items that I can't carry all by myself usually (cans and bottles of things, ice cream that would melt if I took it on the subway...). Thank you, Mom.

I tried to do homework all afternoon and evening, but I was too distracted/exited thinking about hosting people on Sunday night. Last night six friends came over for soup and cornbread (and rum and coke). It was the first time I've had people over, and it only reaffirmed that I want to host people all the time. I love it. I love feeding people and hanging out and laughing and doing what I can to make sure everyone has a great time. I feel more known, because hospitality is such a big part of who I am, and everyone had a chance to see where I live. If only I lived closer to everyone else and they didn't have to fork out $$ to take the subway here and back... I'd have them over every weekend if I could.

I finally feel like my apartment is finally lived in.

I only hope my aunt and uncle didn't hear us laughing at 1:30am...

Lorraine stayed over on my top bunk, and we stayed up 'til 3am talking. Fabulous.

Now I do need to hit the books.

to be known

2006-12-02T02:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like no one knows me here. Yes, people know me, know who I am, and I'd consider many here my friends. But I don't often feel known. I'm always curious about who othersreally are and what makes them tick. What their childhoods were like, what their fears are, what their hopes are. How their life has shaped them. People put up so many fronts.

No one knows about my past. And it feels strange, when things are said or implied or joked about, and it brings back so many memories, and I don't feel free to share them. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how I'll be received---whether others want to know.

I know, developing deep friendships takes time. I'm the type that wants to get super close super fast. That can't be healthy.

And I'm really sentimental. Just throwing that out there.

And I'm feeling rather self-centered. I'm sorry.

sleeping in the pouring rain

2006-12-01T17:29:00.000-05:00

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. My sheets are freshly washed and so welcoming, and even though it was 7:30am, the sky outtside was still dark. Not a good sign.

Yesterday morning the temperature was 15 degrees. Celsius. By yesterday at around 4pm, the temperature had dropped to 4 degrees! And now for the next week straight forecasts call for -2 and snow/rain constantly. And wind. Lots of wind. Which doesn't make it real easy to protect yourself from the freezing rain with an umbrella! This morning I was soaked from the knees down by the time I got to ICS-- and I was on transit for most of the trip. But it's really not so bad. I could be biking (like many of my fellow ICS students).

My mom is coming tomorrow and we're going to the One of a Kind craft show at Exhibition Place. Hooray for being within easy driving distance from my parents!

I'm listening to the Falalattes new Christmas cd right now. Fabulous! Kudos, Marcus and Dan. Thank you for continuing a great tradtion!

I'm going through one of those times where I question the point of being a student. I feel as though all I do is read, read, read, (and now I have to write, write, write four term papers), and I feel like I'm not doing anyone else any good. It feels like a selfish existence, really--I like school, I like to study (in most of my classes...), so I spend time and money on my own desires. I know I'm preparing for a career someday, and that I am in an "office" as a student, too... Sometimes I just have a hard time feeling like I'm fulfilling any sort of vocation, in my life right now, reading all day.

billboards

2006-11-27T09:39:00.000-05:00

Walking home from the subway station last night on the Danforth, I noticed a (huge) billboard on top of a building that I've never seen before. I've probably walked that route a hundred times by now, and I never noticed that billboard. For some reason, I find that incredibly odd. Either I'm very unobservant (possible) or I noticed before but never "registered" it, or it's new. But I don't think it's new.

Yes, this is why I blog. To share my perplexities about human vision and billboards.

Yikes.

I love God and God loves me. So he makes me rich.

2006-11-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

"Philosophically, their main way of helping the poor is encouraging people not to be one of them."

"The tragedy is that Christianity has become a yes-man for the culture."

"Jesus did not die and get up off the Cross so we could live lives full of despair and disappointment."

Click here for more on this amazing new discovery!!!

Tequila at family reunions

2006-11-21T22:35:00.000-05:00

Today I ate dinner with my aunt Mary and uncle Earl, their daughter Myra, and my cousin Lawren, who's visiting from New York. It's tradition for me to eat dinner with them (minus Lawren of course) on Tuesday nights. I like it. I like them. It's a good tradition.

It's also tradition that I come up (I live in their basement apartment) a little early for dinner and Mary and I share an apertif-- a little drink to whet our appetites. Usually Mary serves wine. One time we had sherry--almond flavour (delicious). But today I came up for dinner and Lawren and Mary were drinking tequila. Just tequila. On the rocks. I laughed out loud. And poured myself an ounce or two. Mary explained that they were out of wine, and that they had picked up the tequila at the duty free on the way back from Joya's wedding.

Earl came to the table for supper and added his shock over the unusual apertif to the conversation.

Earl: (trying to hide his surprise) "Mary, isn't tequila a little strong for a before-dinner drink??"

Mary: "We didn't have anything else, and I couldn't very well not offer our guests anything, could I?"

Earl: "I could have brought up some beer from the cellar or something!"

Sara: (matter-of-factly) "I have a a very large bottle of rum downstairs."

Mary: (laughing) "Well, we'll just have to have tequila and beer and rum!"

I love my family.

new look....or not

2006-11-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

I got my hair cut today. Took 3 or 4 inches off. I like it!!

Lorraine and I went this afternoon to the Aveda Hairstyling School, because we thought it would be cheap. Online it said $14. We were each charged $31. Huh?? But it was a good cut, and they massage your neck and head first and give you tea and you change into a robe. So there were some perks.

Then we went right to our evening class. Now, I always thought that the stereotype about men not noticing anything was just that-an unfair and untrue stereotype. But NONE of the guys at class mentioned that I looked different. We were all sitting around eating supper (as we tend to all come early and eat before the 5.30 class) for at least 15 minutes before someone asked Lorriane if she got her hair cut. Lorraine has quite short hair. And she cut maybe an inch off. Seriously guys, you notice ONE INCH before FOUR INCHES?? That's a lot of hair gone! Well, they said that they noticed it and just didn't say anything. Fine. For future reference, all you men out there, say something. Just say something.

I'm a horribly self-centered person. I'm sorry. I just love getting drastic hair cuts, and feeling so different and NEW, and it seems like everyone else would notice how NEW I look. Can anyone relate?

Totally unrelated: my sister gave me her old stereo. When I went to use the cd player, I discovered that she left a cd in it called "The Big Bad Voodoo Daddys". Has anyone ever heard of them? I'm listening to it right now, and it's kind of like fast swing music. I have no idea why I just blogged about that.

End.

sunshine!!!

2006-11-15T22:41:00.000-05:00

The sun had not revealed itself at all since I returned from Joya and Dave's wedding more than a week ago. Boo boo boo. Perhaps that was part of the reason for my "blah-ness" and down moods.

But then, today, a miracle--the SUN!

For about an hour.

But still. It gave me a bit of hope.

And then on the way home tonight, around 9:30pm, it's gusty and freezing and I need my umbrella to protect me from the freezing rain, but my cheap-o umbrella nearly flips backwards due to the vicious wind!

Crazy how fast the weather can change.

Kinda like my moods lately, I suppose! Crazy.

EDIT: This morning (Thursday) I woke up and turned on my faithful CBC radio. The first thing the commentator said was, "Well, good morning. Today we are expecting a literal monsoon! The forecast from Environment Canada predicts that the amount of rain we normally get in a month will fall today!"

pictures on cd are wonderful when one can't afford a digital camera

2006-11-14T22:51:00.000-05:00

This summer I camped near London with Jon, Laura, Kara, Beth, Paul, and our surprise visitors, Laurel and Ethan. I had to leave early in the morning for another camping trip, but I just couldn't resist taking a picture of all my friends sleeping peacefully in the same (huge!) tent. (Sorry everyone, I took this picture without your knowledge...)
Most reading this probably don't recognize the people in the picture with me. It's Craig and his sister Allison. They're cousins of the Lensinks, who I hung out with a lot this summer. They're great people, and I had lots of fun with them this summer!
thanks to Black's Photo, i now have a roll of pictures on cd, mostly taken during the fabulous surprise dordt trip ann and i made! (sorry, ann, i realize this isn't the most flattering picture of you :) )

More to come...

lost in unreality

2006-11-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

That's right. I'm addicted to a tv show. Has anyone been watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? It's by the creators of West Wing and stars Matthew Perry, among others. I think I'm addicted because of the dialogue. It's quick and witty and incredibly insightful at times. The show deals with current issues in the media, comedy, and politics. If you haven't yet, check it out. I'm a big fan.

You may be wondering how I actually get to see this gem of a drama each Sunday night at 10pm, since there is a tv in neither my apartment nor my landlords' house. I go to my friend Lorraine's house. Last week I was gone, so she taped the episode and we watched it tonight before the new one. I love friends. I love having something to look forward to. I love getting lost in the storyline.

I fear I may be getting lost in fiction. I've decided that whenever I ride the subway, I get to read something for fun--something not school related. Lorraine gave me the book Reading Lolita in Tehran, and I'm already engrossed--40 pages in. I even read it while riding the escalator up to reality!

I hate coming back to reality.

I'm in a down mood, so I'm going to stop now.

memories of summer

2006-11-11T20:44:00.000-05:00

So this is the bride and groom. Well, the picture was taken this summer, so they weren't the bride and groom yet. But it's my sister and her (now) husband, and I love them.

They're in Mexico right now. Happy honeymoon!

Ann and Sara: a self-portrait of a summertime visit

I'm procrastinating. For someone who considers herself an academic (in good and bad ways), I sure procrastinate a lot. Right now I should be doing research and writing for a grant application. ICS students have a higher than 50% chance of getting $15,000 for one year of Master's study with this particular grant. It's due November 30th. I have to write a few pages of detailed info about what I want to write my Master's thesis on. Huh?? I just started, how do I know what I want to write my thesis on???

A very smart friend told me yesterday night that Aristotle said philosophy starts with wonder. She advised me to find something I wonder about and to write papers and a thesis on that topic. That was helpful, and a good attitude adjustment for me. She also offered to help me come up with ideas. Thank God for good friends!

I decided I've been moaning and groaning too much lately, especially on this blog. No more self-pity! I'll never be excited about doing a master's if I keep looking up against it. I'm turning over a new leaf!

back in town

2006-11-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

So I'm finally back in town. For longer than twenty-four hours. Sweet.

Most of my days will now consist of reading. Or deciding that catching up is overrated. I'm having one of those days when I feel like ICS is too tough for me--that I'm definately not smart enough, at least in term of philosophical understanding, to hack it here. I hope these feelings of inadequacy will pass. If not, I can always quit. Lots of people never complete a degree at ICS! Lots.

My sister's wedding was beautiful. Not only was she beautiful, but the love expressed by her and her husband for each other and the Lord was beautiful. And encouraging. A highlight of the weekend was the flower girl and ring-bearer--my adorable niece and nephew. SO cute! I love how things like weddings become family reunions. Our family also gets along really well with Dave's family, and we had a number of great dinners with them. That's more of a blessing than I realize, after hearing others' stories about inlaws that don't get along!

I hope to post some pictures soon. Stay tuned.

no words

2006-10-31T23:24:00.000-05:00

Hugs. Cuddling. Warmth. Friendship. Giggling. Theatre. Driving. Lots of driving.

That's what my weekend was made of.

Ann and I made a SURPRISE! trip to good ol' Dordt. The screams of surprise from Amanda and Kendra were definately a highlight :) Sleeping in the back of the Vibe on the way there was...interesting. The play (Arsenic and Old Lace), a hilarious gem. The actors, marvelous.

Familiar surroundings, hugs, hanging out in Southview and at Pasma's...reassuring, refreshing, painful to leave.

Tomorrow I leave T.O. after being back for less than 24 hours. My sister is getting married in Chicago on Saturday. I'm a maid of honour.

More driving...

So don't expect a new post for a while...

By the way: a very hearty THANK YOU to all of you who made this weekend the blessing that it was. A special shout out to Crystal, who let me sleep in her bed! And to all of SV 204, who let us invade. And to everyone who gave me a hug. And to everyone who looked happy to see me.

words that bring me tears to my eyes

2006-10-21T17:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Sara,

I hope you have a good day at school when you go. And I hope your teachers love you. And when you go to school, sit down at the right desk, okay? And when you go to school, study a lot! And when the sun rises, wake up.

That was an exact transcription of what my precocious, adorable three and a half year old niece Jocelyn thought my sister Rebecca should write in a card I received from them yesterday. I love my family! I'm sad that they're so far away, but excited to see them at Joya's wedding in TWO WEEKS!

However, I have a lot of school work to do in those two weeks. Eeeekkk...

Last night ICS had its October convocation, where the president gave his inagural address and an honorary doctorate was bestowed upon a very worthy recipient. The whole thing made me very glad to be studying at ICS. I'd been doubting how well I fit with what ICS has to offer--so much philosophy--but I think that I need to get through all this tough deep philosophy stuff before I can really have a good understanding of its APPLICATION to real life, which is where my real interest lies. I served at the wine and cheese reception afterwards, and it was such a joy to see the hall packed with ICS supporters all chatting and discussing and laughing and having a wonderful time! AND MY PARENTS CAME! They live close by, but I still don't get to see them so much, and I love them.

And I saw Syd and Evelyn, and Grandpa Hulst, and the VanderStelts, and a bunch of people from my church. For the first time in a while, I felt like I was at home in that community.

better day

2006-10-17T17:27:00.000-04:00

It's raining today. ALL DAY it's been steadily raining. It's supposed to keep raining tomorrow.

Boo.

However, despite the rain, the last two days have been better than the two before that. Yesterday I got a lot accomplished, and I felt better about academics.

I think that's my problem: I base my feelings about myself on how much I accomplish. Not good.

I don't have much to say, but I didn't want everyone to keep thinking I'm a self-pitying moper. Thank you for your encouragement, everyone who commented!

Things are better. But still super busy. I'm working (at ICS) tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. But then it's reading week. Hooray!

warning: self-pity

2006-10-16T00:09:00.000-04:00

It's what a blog is all about, isn't it? To rant about how crappy your life is and then get people to comment on it? Only people don't seem to be commenting. (Insert more self-pity here.)

Yesterday I spent all afternoon trying to read a 35 page article by Dooyeweerd. I read about 10 pages. And I don't think I understood it. And then I got very very very frustrated. And I felt stupid. And I wondered why I ever wanted to study philosophy in the first place.

So I went for a walk. And took a nap. And cried a bunch.

Today I went to church. It was good. I'm still searching for a church that I feel at home in. I felt like God was telling me that there is a time for everything...and that my work is a gift, and when I loose sight of that, that's when I get obsessed with completing everything and understanding everything. Sorry if that didn't make sense.

Tonight I realized that next weekend some of my favourite people are going to be together in Ohio next weekend, and I won't be with them. And I got really depressed. And cried a little more.

And tomorrow: another attempt at Dooyeweerd. Even though I have a million other readings to do, I still have to struggle through the stupid Dooyeweerd one. Ugggghhhhhhhggggghhh!

I wish I were at Dordt.

I'm sorry I'm a suck.

Today I hate Dooyeweerd

2006-10-14T16:44:00.000-04:00

He's far too difficult to read. Smart man, insightful and all, but today I hate him.

I've decided that it would be the death of me to get into myspace or facebook. Each provide far too many reasons to procrastinate even more than I already do.

illegal subway talk

2006-10-13T16:11:00.000-04:00

Today as I was relaxing on the subway (if that's possible when it's so crowded), a few young people entered the car I was in. The first thing that struck me about the young woman in particular was that she was eating something out of a white tube--turns out it was cake icing. (The next thing I noticed that was the crotch of her jeans was, quite literally, at her ankles. Her sweatshirt went all the way to her knees. I really don't know how she could ever dream of walking. Inwardly, I laughed a little! But I digress.) A 30-something man wearing a USSR t-shirt said to the girl, "You know, when I was 8 years old, I would steal those tubes of icing and eat it before I got home so my mom wouldn't know." And the girl look at her two friends and burst out laughing. "What, did you steal that?" asked the man in the USSR t-shirt. "Yeah, well, he's the one who actually took it!!" she said, pointing to her friend, the young man next to her. She continued to lick frosting through a hole roughly poked in the side of the tube--I couldn't figure out why she didn't just open it at the top. What was so strange (to me) about the whole thing is that the subway car was packed-standing room only-and everyone heard this interchange. No one seemed at all phased by it. Most people ignored it, I think.

Interesting.

In other news, today in my art/civilization/knowledge class I understood some of what was discussed. A friend, Chris, did a presentation on how Dewey (the author of the book we're reading) might be advocating for socialism. However, that's somewhat irrelevant. The relevant part is that I UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE WAS SAYING. Hallelujah! And, we finished this book by Dewey that I've been having a hard time with, and we got to say what we thought of it. Many people bashed the disorganized writing--the content was great--and the size of the assignments. It was beautiful not to feel alone in my frustration.

My cousin Lawren was going to come to visit today from Syracuse, and I was going to make dinner for him and Mary, Earl, and Myra. However, Lawren is stuck in a cheap motel in New York state somewhere due to the terrible snowy weather!! I'm sorry, Lawren! I hope you can get back home soon.

beer

2006-10-07T10:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we had a potluck lunch at ICS to celebrate Thanksgiving. I made apple crisp. It turned out far better that I expected. Yumm.... I even made an extra one to keep at home with me in case guests come over! (which never happens. Hint: if you're nearby, come visit and you can have some yummy apple crisp.)

There's a tradition at ICS that on Fridays at 3pm people stop what they're doing to play chinese checkers. I've never seen anyone so obsessed with chinese checkers. It's great, really! So yesterday I played against the "masters" of the game, and didn't do too badly. This is ICS for you: six of us drank a bottle of white zinfandel and ate cheese and crackers while we played!

Four of us then went to see the movie "The Departed" with Jack Nicholson, Leonardo di Caprio, Mark Walburg, etc. We had to walk 45 minutes to get to the cheap movie theatre (and it was still $7.50!) and we were too late for the 7pm show. So we went out to eat and came back for the 9:50 show.

I drank a beer. Well, most of a beer. If you know me, you know that this is unusual, to say the least! I hate beer. Hate it. It's such a culture of beer here, that I figured I should at least give it a chance. When we first ordered drinks, everyone else got these exotic beers (we were at a brewery/cafe) and I ordered...a coke. I've never felt so juvenile. So after dinner I asked them what the best beer would be for someone who hates beer, and my friends recommended a raspberry beer. It was better than normal beer, but it still tasted gross. Except the aftertaste was raspberry, and I like raspberry. I still couldn't finish it all, though. I felt like such a child.

The movie was good. I'm no film critic, but it was really suspenseful (which I like) and the plot kept twisting and turning, and I like it when a film keeps you thinking. If you've ever watched a suspenseful movie with me, you know that it's a completely bodily experience for me--I jump and hide my face with my hands and generally get way too into the movie...but it's more fun that way!

In the movie, a psychiatrist presribes Lorazapam for the main character. That startled me, because...well, Brian was taking that when everything happened.

This has been very factual. I apologize.

revised

2006-10-01T20:43:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I was a little too depressed in that last post. But I meant it at the time!!

I went and talked to my mentor about the philosophy of art class that is kicking my butt. He's one of the two profs that co-teaches it. He basically said, don't worry, all first year students feel like they're drowning at first. What made me feel even better was that he said that he found chapter 6 (the one I completely gave up on) to be the most difficult. He also said that I don't need to understand everything I read. Hallelujah! And, I can't drop the class because I need it to complete my program of study. So stick with it I will...

I made one phone call and talked to four wonderful people on the phone tonight. You know who you are. Thank you for cheering me up and reminding me that I'm not as alone as I think I am, here in my empty apartment away from the Dordt community. I thoroughly enjoyed hearing all about your lives!!

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend (a second year MA student) from ICS about marriage. He believes that there's nothing in the Bible that forbids open marriages or multiple person marriages, ie, 5 people in a lifelong committment with each other. I was blown away. I guess this is what people warned me about--radical theological views at ICS! But he's a great guy, and I'm sure we'll talk (and probably disagree) about more interesting theological issues in the future.

what was i thinking??

2006-09-28T21:39:00.000-04:00

Why did I ever think that I could make it?

I'm in the middle of reading Dewey on art as an experience for a class tomorrow, and I have no idea what he is talking about. No. Idea. How am I ever going to write a paper for this class? A 20 page paper???

Why did I ever think I was smart enough for ICS?

I'm not.

I'm certainly not.

I have been humbled.

I'm going to try to drop this incomprehendible class.

huge sigh of relief

2006-09-20T14:36:00.000-04:00

My first ever presentation as a graduate student is over. Done. Completed. HUZZAH!!! What a relief. Plus, to make it even better, the professor came up to me afterwards, as I worked reception, and told me that I did well. I didn't expect that at all. Double HUZZAH!

Overseen (?)

2006-09-19T09:36:00.000-04:00

"Fighting a war for peace is like f_ _ _ing for virginity".

---On my walk home from Little Trinity Anglican church, I saw a young man walking towards me wearing a t-shirt on which this was written.

overheard

2006-09-15T17:20:00.000-04:00

"You know why George Bush has problems speaking, don't you? Drugs. All sorts. Yeah, he's clean now, but back in the day...whooo....lots of cocaine and alcohol. And those are drugs. And they really mess you up, brain cells, and you lose your mind, just like what's happening to Mr. Bush right now."
--a random man on the streetcar, the situation made even more hilarious by the fact that he was talking to no one in particular. No one. Just talking loudly on the streetcar to anyone who would listen, everyone else looking awkwardly at each other with expressions of "Do you know him? because I certainly don't..."

"Yeah, man, I can't get back together with her. I mean, it'll seem great at first, but it's all down hill from there. We still sleep in the same bed and everything, because I can't really kick her out..."

(friend)..."but it's your bed, man, and it's your couch, too!"

..."I know, but come on, she'd hate me."

"Yeah, girls can be vicious. They mess everything up."

"I mean, I'd like to get back together with her, maybe, but this way I can go out and party all the time, you know?"
---two university-aged guys, on the subway, talking about their girl problems.

I have been doing more than just riding public transit listening for interesting stories. In fact, I don't think I'll have the time to people-watch any longer. I must spend every waking hour reading complicated philosophical texts so that I have a clue (maybe?) what everyone else in the class is talking about. I have realized this past week that my philosophical background is seriously lacking, something I intellectually knew before coming here, but brushed off oh-too-quickly. I feel behind from the get-go. I guess it's really just one class that I'm terrified of, the one with all second-year master's students and PhD students in it... I need to do some serious background reading on the big names in philosophy so that when they are dropped into discussions I know what their main ideas were!

I like grad school in general, though. One 3 hour class a week for each of my four classes. And LOTS of reading, but I like reading, so as long as it isn't too cryptic and difficult to read, I'll be ok (let's hope)!

Grad school has been a little depressing for me, though, because everyone has lives (and husbands and wives) outside of school, and I just want to hang out all the time like we did at Dordt. That would probably be harmful for my grades, but still. I miss the community, at the risk of sounding like a giant cliche.

Most of all, I miss hugs.

My mom and dad came last weekend to bring my bed and a bookshelf, both of which were greatly appreciated! Also, in the "greatly appreciated" department, were the groceries that my mom bought for me. All the basics--rice, ww noodles, fruits and veggies, flour and sugar, everything that would be far too heavy for me to carry on public transit. Feeling like I can cook and bake again with a pantry full of groceries means so much more to me than the $100 it cost my parents. Thanks, mom!!

I talked to Ann last night on the phone for a long time, on my finally-hooked-up-phone with 5 cent a minute long distance. It was great to connect with someone who knows me really well again, who knows my history. I again realized that I'm not 'over' or 'healed' after all the emotional trauma of the last semester, and I'm angry about that. Why can't I just get over it, and move on? I'm still hurting too much, still bitter and upset about the whole situation, but wanting so badly to move on.

Well, this was a rather long and disjointed summary of the last week of my life. I apologize. But since you made it this far, thank you.

Live from T.O.

2006-09-08T14:52:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon, all! I'm writing from the wonderfully free internet access at one of Toronto's many public libraries. Hooray for free! Hooray for libraries!! I do believe I will spend much time enjoying more of both of these blessings in the months to come.

So orientation at ICS is complete. I'm all oriented to the school. My classmates are great, profs (or "senior members", since students are called "junior members") are super smart (yikes), and my apartment is wonderful, albeit a work in progress. No kitchen cabinets until October at least, so cooking (actually, storing dishes) is a challenge at this point. I also need to invest in a couch of some sort, and my parents are coming with a bed this weekend. I love living on my own, but I do really miss having friends around all the time. Toronto is a great city, though, and you all should come live here.

I'm taking a class at U of T through the ICS, and I'm incredibly intimidated at the thought of it... please keep me in your thoughts this Tuesday at 2pm!

My time is running out...more updates later, possibly even with pictures.

If you're reading this, I miss you!

Pciture time!

2006-09-01T10:33:00.000-04:00

Visiting Ann in T.O., at her tremendously challenging summer position! I just realized I look like I'm not wearing a shirt in this picture. Eeeeee.

The protest I "happened upon" in Toronto a month ago (see July 30th post). The sign says, "Stop Israel's Apartheid Wall", and the main point of the protest seemed to be fighting Canadian support of Israel's war in Lebanon and its unjust actions against the Palestinians.

Camping! August 2006. London FRINGE camping trip...Ethan and Laurel SURPRISED us...Laura came from Minneapolis... Beth and Paul's pictures are clearer, but hey, what do you expect from a disposable camera?

A last time for everything

2006-08-31T19:33:00.000-04:00

I worked my last shift at good ol' Timmy's today. Hooray for being out of that place! While I will not miss the mismanagment, I will very much miss my co-workers. Today one of them brought in a cake for me that said, "It's been a slice!" on it, and they all signed a card telling me how much they'll miss me :) I felt loved.

And I made $11 in tips today. Not bad for Timmy's.

I won't talk about how appropriate it was that on my last day there we had only 6 people working and it was INSANELY busy with busses and our manager was no where to be seen...nope...won't talk about that...there's no need to be bitter...because I'm DONE!

Tomorrow I will sleep well past the customary 5am and enjoy every minute of it. Then I will go to my appointment with a life insurance agent. Yes, I am 22 years old and looking into life insurance. If you're curious (I know I'm still dumbfounded by the idea), just ask me why.

Today my dad and I found out that we probably can't get our trailer lights hooked up on time for this weekend's move to Toronto, nor can we rent a U-Haul at this late hour. So...perhaps no moving for Sara until next weekend. I'm tired and ambivalent about it right now. I stayed out till 11:30 last night, WAAAAAY past my bedtime, because the Lensinks are starting to depart from home and we had a mini-going-away party. Which consisted of euchre (Craig and I won) and a drive in Allison's new Civic to Lock 3 of the canal. I'm really going to miss them all, too. We had a great time together this summer.

I miss Dordt. As I hear of everyone coming back together at that dear place, surrounded by corn and wise profs and good conversation, I am nostalgic. I miss your hugs, everyone. I miss GIVING you hugs, everyone! Give someone a hug from me today.

A first time for everything

2006-08-26T14:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday two very unusual occurrances kept me and my co-workers laughing while making coffee at the drive-thru at Tim's.

The first was embarassing for me. We had a long line up of cars waiting to have their order taken, and the person at the window was taking a long time, ordering many bagels. The person waiting at the speaker was my former youth group leader at Jubilee (my home church), whose name is Jason Boks. By the way he talked to us, we thought he was a different guy, who comes in regularly and is dating my co-worker Kathy and whose name is Bruce. We always joke around with Bruce and yell his name in deep voices when we see him: "BRUUUUUUCE". Anyway. We did this, over the speaker, to Jason, because we thought he was Bruce. When he came to the window and I saw who it was, I was rather embarassed. I said something like "There's this guy, named Bruce, who comes in a lot and we joke around with him...sorry..." Jason just laughed. So did we--for the next ten minutes straight!

The second occurance...well, I guess that was pretty embarassing too. Or maybe just extremely unexpected. A regular customer, Jay, came by at 8am, during our busiest time. I handed him his coffee and change, and out of the blue he says, "Hey, do you want to go to the airshow with me this weekend?" [The Snowbirds are doing their annual airshow in St. Catharines this weekend--they even came through drive-thru on their break, all dressed up in their red uniforms! It was sweet.] Anyway, I'm thinking he's asking Silvana, my co-worker, who knows him outside of work and who is quite a flirt with men in drive-thru. It takes me a second to realize he's asking ME out, and I quickly say that I can't because I'm going to Toronto this weekend. (Which wasn't a lie at the time, since I was planning on it.) So he said, "Well, how about we do something another time?" And by this time I'm altogether flustered, nervous, and somewhat flattered, but I'm also increasingly aware that he's holding up other cars in the line and increasing our drive-thru times--a big deal in the FAST food business! He's looking at me as if to say, So, yeah? Do you have a phone number for me...? So I shoo him on with my hand and mumble something about, "come by another time" and he looks slightly jilted and drives away. Whew. I had no idea how to react to that situation. Wouldn't it be totally crazy to go out with some guy who only knows me as Sara with the nice smile at the Tim's drive-thru??? The whole thing was just weird.

Today I went garage saling. What fun! I bought a lampshade for a quarter and a metal pan insert with holes in it for steaming veggies for $1. I like getting deals. However, I was somewhat disappointed, because I was really looking for pots and pans, lamps, and other furniture for my future apartment. Which I get to see again tomorrow when I go to Toronto with my dad for supper! Hooray for growing up. (Sometimes.)